Tag Archives: relationships tips

The Number One Tip That Will Improve Your Relationship Right Now

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Regardless of the state of your relationship–whether you are currently riding sky high or feel like you have hit rock bottom, there is one tip that will make a huge difference in improving it. Simply stated: Be intentional.

What does be intentional mean or even look like? Being intentional means that you make your relationship a priority and that you are intentional about its value. Let me give you an example–take a look at your calendar. It is beyond easy to fill it up with all kinds of important activities, events and celebrations. In this day and age, it has become necessary to develop the skill to not schedule overlapping conflicts. Everyone is busy. But you can easily assess the value of your relationship based on your calendar. For instance, when you schedule a meeting at work with your boss or you schedule a parent teacher conference with your child’s teacher–those dates and times are mentally blocked off. You are committed to making those things work, as well you should. But what about your relationship with your spouse? Do you have a time where you have mentally blocked out a time where it is just for them–not just what’s leftover at the end of the day or an occasional date night but where you are intentional about blocking out a time for them? A time that shows they matter to you and hold value?

Intention is powerful. Even if you absolutely get things wrong—when your intent is to show your spouse that you love them, it improves your relationship. I will share a personal example with the permission of my husband here that might illustrate this concept. I will call it the Parable of the Spider Jewelry. My husband and I enjoy binge watching television shows together and in one such show, a character wore a red spider brooch that I had commented looked neat. My husband found a cheap costume jewelry red spider brooch for me and that gift is still on my winter jacket. Very thoughtful and meaningful. He didn’t end there though and thought this idea of spider jewelry was the best concept yet and ended up getting me a spider ring, a spider necklace and a spider bracelet in subsequent gifts. I am including a picture here so you can get an idea of the size of this spider ring that he to this day swears is a great gift. I don’t even like spiders. What I do love though is that I know his intention. He intended to buy me a gift that showed how much he cared even though this gift missed the mark in my book and I have a difficult time to this day wearing them. Intention is powerful force for improving your relationship even if you get things wrong.

There is a song that sums up too many relationships that I have seen in my office. It was sung by numerous artists including Elvis Presley, Willie Nelson, Michael Buble and even the Pet Shop Boys. It shows the timeless outcome of not being intentional and unintentionally letting the love in a relationship dwindle. It is called, “Always on My Mind”:

[Verse 1]
Maybe I didn’t treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn’t love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

[Chorus]
You were always on my mind
(You were always on my mind)
You were always on my mind

[Verse 2]
Maybe I didn’t hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I’m so happy that you’re mine
If I make you feel second best
Girl, I’m so sorry I was blind

[Chorus]
You were always on my mind
(You were always on my mind)
You were always on my mind


Tell me
Tell me that your sweet love hasn’t died
Give me
Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied, satisfied
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

[Chorus]
You were always on my mind
(You were always on my mind)
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind


Maybe I didn’t treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn’t love you
Quite as often as I could have
Maybe I didn’t hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you…

You were always on my mind.

So, be intentional and voice your desires with your spouse. “I want you to know how much you mean to me so I am going to _________” and fill in that blank with an honest intent to show them how much you care and then do that item. It doesn’t matter how small or how extreme–whether it is making the bed or washing their car. Let them know the why or the intent behind the actions. I should note that this is not a quid pro quo exercise where you do this with the expectation that they will do the same for you, although many times that might be the outcome. This is simply you stating and showing intention in keeping your relationship alive. Intentions show where you heart is and will improve your relationship the moment they are expressed and shown.

Top Ten Questions to Ask Your Child When They Get Home From School {#10 is my personal favorite}

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Once again, it’s “Back to School” season. If there is anything that I have learned as a Marriage and Family Therapist, it is that questions can be really powerful tools. I think the number one question that I hear most often at school pick up is, “Hey! How was school?” Although this question is a great way to show interest and create connection with our kids who have been gone at school, it can cause kids to unknowingly narrow their thinking to a one word response: “Good”, or “Fine”. I decided I would share a list of my top 10 favorite after school questions. Not only are you able to reconnect with your kids, these questions can be powerful catalysts to really help kids become aware of their feelings, to inspire resilience and thought provoking answers and can change their perspective and actions in the future. Welcome back to school!! (Top 10 questions listed below. The responses to #10 are my absolute favorite 😂).

1. What was the best thing that happened in school today?

Best doesn’t mean that they had to have a good day because we all have bad days, but it allows them to look for good things and have a positive outlook.


2. Did you see anyone helping someone today? How did they help? Did you see anyone who needed help today? What could you do next time to help?

This can cultivate a helper mindset and a problem solving mentality.


3. Tell me one thing you learned today.

This sets up a learning mindset and allows them to recognize that they can and are supposed to learn something new everyday. Spark their curiosity!


4. When were you the most {excited, frustrated, bored, curious, anxious, happy} today?

It is really neat to watch them respond when you ask them about different feelings than being happy as they learn how to process and explain ‘heavier’ feelings that often aren’t talked about or as easily “accepted” as ‘happy’ feelings.


5. Who would you like to play with the recess that you never played with before?

This question allows for future thinking and plants seeds for actions in the future.


6. What word did your teacher say the most today?

This question will tell you a lot about what they are perceiving and will plant a seed to pay attention to their teacher more. 😉


7. Where do you play the most at recess?

This is a great opportunity to learn what your child enjoys and that they have a choice as to what they do at recess and how they spend that time. Especially if your child is into electronics and video games, it is great to get an understanding of what other interests they have outside when electronics at school are not available.


8. What was your favorite part of lunch?

If you listen and remember their response, it is a powerful tool to let them know they are loved while at school. I can even remember this many years later being excited about certain lunches that were served at school and circling those lunch days on my calendar. Never underestimate the power of bonding over the love of french fries.


9. If you could change one thing about your day, but would it be?

This is a way that you can empower problem solving and being part of the solution. Even if it isn’t possible to change that they would “skip math” or “have longer recess”, you can relate to the emotions behind them and process those feelings.

**My Personal Favorite:
10. What made your teacher smile/frown today? What made you smile/frown today? This can help kids to develop an emotional intelligence- to realize feelings and when someone is happy, sad or frustrated. It is a great way to help them process feelings and recognize how those feelings change and fluctuate throughout the day. Kids are so honest too so the responses to this one are very entertaining!